Aaah Sunday morning. Time for a lazy hour or two enjoying a nice breakfast and a coffee or two. This weekly café ritual is some me time, to relax with a magazine and gather my thoughts. Sunday café time is about my favourite way to unwind and recharge my batteries. But it can spoiled. Rude staff, rubber ball eggs and – worst of all – bad coffee can turn my happy time into grumpy time in no time. Here are my top 10 things I might just hate about your café.
1. Your café is not a nightclub
Were you listening when I said café time is sitting and relaxing with my magazine time? Recharging my batteries time – did you hear that? Well, how can I do that when you are blaring doof doof music. Who wants to eat their breakfast in the middle of a rave party? If your café sounds like a night club, I hate your café.
2. Your staff are too cool for school – and your customers
Lose the attitude. Rudeness isn’t cool. It’s just rude. It is not my humble honour and privilege to be served in your café. If I have to chase after your staff and plead with them to take my order, then I hate your café.
3. I do not like green eggs
The only place green eggs belong is on the pages of a Dr Zeuss book and you may remember they weren’t too popular there either. Whether it is boiled, fried or poached, the yolk of an egg should be yellow and runny. Never, ever should it have turned green. If you over cook eggs so bad the yolk has turned green then I hate your café.
4. Foreign objects on my plate
Golden rule. If I can’t eat it, it shouldn’t be on my plate. Un-popped popcorn kernels, pieces of egg shell and clumps of weeds should not be part of my breakfast. I don’t want to walk out of your café and straight into my dentist’s office with a broken tooth. If you leave foreign objects on my plate that endanger my teeth, I hate your café.
5. Smashed avocado means smashed
Smashed avocado has a pretty simple definition. It’s avocado that’s been scooped out of its skin, mushed up and spread on toast. Easy. You would thing so wouldn’t you? However, my partner was recently served half an avocado on a plate next to some naked toast and a lemon wedge. Can you believe it people – deconstructed smashed avocado! Seriously, if you expect your customers to make their breakfast themselves from your deconstructed ingredients you are a wanker and I hate your café.
6. I want to sit on a chair
I cannot sit in comfort perched on a metal plinth, a milk crate or a cold metal stool with no back. I know you think this ‘industrial chic’ style is oh so cool. You are wrong. I want a proper chair. I want to be comfortable. If you hurt my back with stupid non furniture, I hate your café.
7. And I do not want to share
I want to spread my magazine or newspaper out on the table in front of me and read them in peace. I do not want a place at your cool ‘communal share’ table where I’m forced to listen to some idiot shouting into his mobile phone or some giggling, like oh my God, women who expect everyone around them to care what happened on Married at First Sight or the Bachelor this week. I don’t care. If you force me to absorb the boring conversation of noisy people, I hate your café.
8. Coffee and food go together
I know your game. As soon as I sit down you swoop with a coffee order but don’t let me see the food menu until after the coffee comes. Then you deliberately stall the arrival of my food in a blatant attempt to force me to buy a second coffee to go with breakfast. I’m on to you. If you can’t get my food and coffee to me at the same time, I hate your café.
9. I could play squash with my eggs
I’m not quite sure how you do it. Perhaps one day I’ll ask you to show me. How on earth do you get an egg to turn into a spherical rubber ball like that? How ever you do it they are foul and usually taste and smell of vinegar to boot. To eat them I need to carve them open with a steak knife. If I could play squash with my poached eggs, I hate your café.
10. You have served bad coffee
Saving the worst for last, of course there is no greater café sin than serving crap coffee. Whether it’s bitter because you haven’t cleaned the machine properly or you’ve burned it, the milk’s not hot enough, or you’ve got a dodgy blend of beans, there’s just no way back from bad coffee. It’s a turd that can’t be polished. If your coffee sucks I really hate your café.